Bullying

Word is making it around the Internet these days about a young lady who, at the age of 15, decided to take her own life in response to a turn of events that led to her being incessantly and cruelly bullied.  I won't recap the entire story here, but it's easy to find on the web.  You can find a news story here, and you can even see her desperate cry for help on a You Tube video here.  Amanda Todd was her name, and while she made a decision early on that was a poor one, it was further exploited by a man who should have known better (and by all accounts should be held criminally liable for his actions), and then seized upon by her "friends" who tormented her into a point of despair that she felt could only be resolved with her untimely death.

Being a parent who has seen the effects of bullying first hand in our household, I cannot help but feel nothing but pain and sorrow for the parents of Amanda.  And yet, while her story is only the most recent one to get publicity, teens are bullied every day across all walks of life.  Our kids were not bullied to the tragic extent that pushed Amanda into suicide, and for that we can be thankful.  But as I write this, I know that within 24 hours from now, many teens will find themselves just as lonely, afraid, and helpless as Amanda did prior to her final decision.  And for them, and their parents, I feel the same pain and sorrow as I do for Amanda and her family.

But I also feel anger.

I feel anger at the kids (who probably prefer to be called "young adults" even though there is nothing in their behavior that should warrant that description), because they make a conscious decision to pick another person out of the crowd to belittle and torment.

I feel anger at the parents of those kids, because being a parent is more than just providing room and board - it is a commitment that means involvement in a child's life.  It means asking questions about friends, trips, events, school, work, relationships, and yes, even sex and drugs.   Being involved in your child's life means knowing who he "hangs" with; knowing how things are going in school; knowing what she does for fun away from home and school; helping him understand how decisions made now can affect him for the rest of his life; but most of all, helping to shape her into a respectable adult.

But most of all, I feel anger at the system.  I cannot direct that at the schools, because we place too much blame and expectations on our schools already.  The schools have to step in when parents don't do their job (as I mentioned in the previous paragraph), when in actuality, the schools should really be teaching our kids reading, writing, and arithmetic.  They are not meant to be the moral arbiters of our next generation.  This anger is directed at society in general.  After taking a stroll through the Internet, it seems that the overwhelming response to dealing with bullies is to turn the other cheek; walk away; be strong; know you are better than the bullies; talk to a trusted adult about the situation; or find activities with a different group of friends.

None of these actions confronts the problem.  All of them suggest that the only way to handle a bully is to simply walk away, removing the "power" from the bully.  In my black and white world, that is a total sham.  In the case of Amanda Todd, she walked away alright.  She left her dad, moved to another town to live with her mom, and she was still tormented by her bullies.  Walking away from the situation did nothing.  And in the intimate knowledge we gained from our own kids who were the objects of bullies' desires, walking away did very little to solve the problem.

It is always suggested by the "experts" that a direct confrontation is never a good idea.  Doing so leads to more aggression and more problems.  This line of thinking is so wrong.  I agree that any confrontation should be avoided when possible, but at some point, one must say "enough" and decide to fight back.  Submission is a sign of weakness.  Had the United States been submissive in 1941, the Axis Powers would likely have taken over the world with no problem at all.  70 years later, we fight a different kind of war, where we submit to the whims of the governments that "host" us in their countries.  Because of that, we lose our men and women because they cannot fight back.  We lose our ambassadors because we cannot fight back.

We lose our children, because we cannot fight back.

The concept of walking away when possible is not a bad start.  But it cannot be the end.  Our children cannot be prepared for life if they only know how to be submissive and turn to the schools or "trusted adults" for assistance, and dissuaded from confronting their tormentors.  It is due to the lack of effective parenting that "trusted adults" need to be found in the first place!  The two adults that any child should trust more than any others are a mother and a father.  Not a school principal or guidance counselor.  Not the school resource officer.  Not a priest, rabbi, or any other spiritual leader.

Most of all, our kids should not find themselves dissuaded or even penalized for standing up for what is right.  The best way for evil to take hold is for good people to do nothing.  That is an old adage, and it is as relevant today as it has ever been.  No amount of counseling, hand-holding, peer group sessions, or diversionary programs will change a hard-core bully.

In Amanda Todd's case, she was wrong for sending an unknown Internet contact a topless picture of herself.  However, he was wrong for exploiting that, and the kids who tormented her because of that were equally as wrong.  All should be held liable for her death, as they all have her blood on their hands.  She chose to walk away, but her father and the school knew of her troubles.  Yet nothing was done.  I can guess with nearly as much certainty as knowing that the sun rises in the east that her school pulled in counselling resources to try to "work through" the situation.  Wrong.  All parties involved should have been immediately confronted, removed from the school, and been charged with assault.  Amanda reportedly did not want to press charges in the hopes that she could move on with her life.  That decision should never have been hers to make.  Just as an abused woman does not need to "press charges" to find her abuser arrested, neither should Amanda have been required to make that kind of decision.

Amanda Todd needed someone to talk to.  That is evident in the final part of her video.  Yet in my quick search of Internet resources, there is nothing available for bullied kids who just need an ear.  A resource for bullied kids to find others who have been bullied and are available to listen.  Not via e-mail, not in a text, but a real voice on the other end of the phone.  Absent the direction she needed from her parents, that may have been the very thing she needed to keep her from making a decision that would end what could have been a productive and loving life.  Unfortunately, we'll never know.

Rest in peace, Amanda.  I pray that your death was not in vain, and I hope that our society will someday realize that the right answer is not always turning the other cheek and giving hugs.  Sometimes, you need to take a stand and say no more.